if I were to interview you for a job for employment I wouldn't ask for your resume no but would ask for it instead I would ask what gym you go to will you choose to workout says everything I need to know about you let's find out who you really are Equinox but what is what do people not say about you okay it says you think you're from the future we live in a space station and poor people are extinct if this were the Hunger Games you'd live in district 1 and you would be damned proudly all the people from all the other gyms hate you I hate me too if I were poor the only reason they were revolting is because they don't live in district 1 you don't see anyone rioting in district 1 do you know cuz you don't write you barely even work out you pay people to do that for you they're called the help also known as personal trainers also known as the help everything seems easier at Equinox the weights even weigh less at Equinox because Equinox members should not have to experience third world problems like struggle or gravity you take no sense of failure because you're not a failure you work out at Equinox good for you Planet Fitness if you actually endure the shame of working out at a Planet Fitness it means you're one of two people one you're broke the only ten dollars you can scrape together every month has to go to work it out you're basically a fitness immigrant you've worked in a coal mine your entire life so you can save up for a ticket in steerage aboard the Titanic you have a goal and only one way of getting there spoil it the Titanic has other plans Planet Fitness is designed to sink your dreams tell you you want to lift heavy iceberg you want to lose weight Pizza which brings me to the second type of person at Planet Fitness the person that's scared of fitness and intimidated by insane people if the first person is getting on board the Titanic you are getting on board a carnival cruise you're gonna end up at the same place you started from but you're gonna tell yourself you actually gone somewhere and it's dude sheet so why the hell not bring the whole family see Church College Jim you are in college we get it this means you love yourself about as much as most people hate you your parents including if you're lucky you'll graduate college with an education but if you're smart you'll graduate games the only useful thing I got out of college was lifting basically it was like a $50,000 a year gym membership seminars a grand total no regrets none I didn't pay for it Sally did Sallie Mae Sallie Mae not see a dime for me tell he may see the dijo hey Sally I got a loan for you it loan you some of his date we're the interest in my balls you interested you just started lifting and you can't wait to go home for summer and show up all ten pounds of you gained and wear a tank in public for the first time you are a hotshot it's like finally being able to tie your hair up into a shitty dick knob of a man bun and you can't wait to hit the gram Gold's Gym some people are dentists some people lawyers you are a bodybuilder this is your job except you don't get paid to do it and no one hire you in fact you actually painted through it and you also work full-time at enterprise on the side for a living and forever 24 hour fitness you are a 24-hour human this is a 24-hour gym it's a gym with the exact same lack of identity every hour of the day just like you LA Fitness LA Fitness is a cheap Equinox it's secondhand luxury LA Fitness is like buying a Hyundai Genesis because you think people will mistake it for a Bentley you are the guy who goes to LA Fitness in Hollywood Florida and you tell people you used to live in New York do over here thinking Manhattan but really you lived in Long Island City Queens New York City New York davidbartongym good try to describe this in terms you might understand looking out at a davidbartongym it's like being double-teamed by Batman and the Joker except the Joker is a chick dressed like a clown with a strap-on and Batman is an actual bat and the whole time you wondering why there's so much gym equipment in this nightclub but either way you're totally down for it everyone knows you're in shape it's obvious it's obvious because you're only wearing suspenders and being in shape is still the least obvious thing about you YMCA your dad forces kid to lift or you're a kid being crushed by 300 pounds while his dad yells at him and refuses to help Bally's when you say you go to Bally's to get cut that means you're literally going to get stabbed Bally's is the Sears of gyms you were brought here by a coupon and brought out by an ambulance boxing or MMA gym please please tell me more about how big ass bodybuilders are pussies cuz they can't even fight you feel better now at least my cauliflower is on the side of my chicken not the side of my face please don't punch me unless you Ronda Rousey Dan you could punch me Tom punch me right my third star no if I should say that I don't know if that's okay to say to her she might actually do it you know like actually give me a rim job like was it fist though no good I'll take it I take it all back Ronda maybe some dinner the nice I don't know I respect women good thing we're not recording this hope she doesn't see this CrossFit gym what is a CrossFit gym say about you nothing you haven't already said about yourself other things you should do with yourself till what you're already doing gradually for time but a local no-name gym where's the matching 60 and no I do not want to see a month in Suns color band at the pumpkin festival keep it moving your fucking County to smell like a diner powerlifting gym you are Asian even if you're not you are the sports club you're here on your lunch break but the important thing is you're here and you have a lunch break it could be worse see Bally's home gym I am a really nice liquor cabinet in my house but it doesn't mean I'm sitting you getting shit-faced by myself every night when it comes to lifting and drinking what's the point of being at your best if no one's around to see it please subscribe to my youtube channel newsflash I will be at the Olympia this year Hakan palace foreign fans also because I suffer from crippling loneliness and I love them people compete for my attention throwing the contest the winner of this contest will get to have dinner with me uncle Dom why not live together no can workout in I plan to be so shit-faced that's the only thing I'll be able to do is open and close my mouth and there's more on the two runners ups will get free Bros ups including a brand new thing that's coming out stay tuned for details on how to enter the contest and how to enter your money into my Ponzi scheme that all right good cover all the things there's no one in there