>>Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK ON THIS
STAGE. LAST WEEK, WE WERE OFF. WE PRETENDED WE HAD NEW SHOWS ON
MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND WEDNESDAY, BUT THOSE WERE ACTUALLY TAPED
THE WEEK BEFORE. IT WAS AN ILLUSION CREATED BY AN
EVIL GENIUS SO I COULD DRINK RUM AND YOU COULD WATCH MARCH
MADNESS. SO I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT. ( APPLAUSE )
GO GAMECOCKS! BUT WHAT A GREAT TIME TO BE
AWAY FROM THE SHOW.>>Jon: RIGHT, SO NOTHING
HAPPENED.>>Stephen: NOTHING HAPPENED
WHILE I WAS GONE, RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER )
OH, THERE’S ONE THING– THE GOP FINALLY LAUNCHED THEIR OBAMACARE
REPEAL. I BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF
THAT FROM LAST WEEK.>>I’M JUST A BILL… ♪ YES, I’M ONLY A BILL ♪
♪ AND I’M SITTING HERE ON CAPITOL HILL ♪
( GUNSHOT ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: OH! WOW-WEE! ( LAUGHTER )
OH, NO! DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT! IT’S JUST A CARTOON, FOLKS. HE’S FINE. WELL, THAT DID NOT GO AS
PLANNED. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY’RE SO SURE THEY WERE GOING TO GET THIS THIS THING DONE THAT
AN ANTI-OBAMACARE PAC RAN A BUNCH OF VERSIONS OF THIS AD
DURING BASKETBALL AFTER THE BILL FAILED.>>REPUBLICANS ARE KEEPING THEIR
PROMISE WITH A NEW PLAN FOR BETTER HEALTHCARE. NO MORE BIG GOVERNMENT PENALTIES
OR JOB KILLING MANDATES. THANK CONGRESSMAN GREG WALDEN. FOR KEEPING HIS PROMISE AND
REPLACING THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT WITH THE BETTER HEALTHCARE
YOU DESERVE.>>STEPHEN: THEY ALSO RAN THIS
AD CONGRATULATING KANSAS FOR MAKING IT TO THE FINAL FOUR AND
PRINTED A NEWSPAPER DECLARING — DEWEY DEFEATS HEALTHCARE REFORM. ( APPLAUSE )
PRO( PIANO RIFF ) AND THE WHITE HOUSE TRIED TO
GET THIS THROUGH. THERE WAS FULL COURT PRESS FROM
TRUMP AND HIS PEOPLE. THEY TRIED TO
SWING THEIR BALLS AT MEMBERS OF THE CONSERVATIVE FREEDOM CAUCUS,
EVEN SUMMONING THEM TO THE WHITE HOUSE WHERE ADVISER AND
PRE-EXISTING CONDITION, STEVE BANNON, TOLD THEM —
“THIS IS NOT A DISCUSSION. THIS IS NOT A DEBATE. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO VOTE
FOR THIS BILL.” TO WHICH ONE OF THE MEMBERS
REPLIED — “YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME SOMEONE
ORDERED ME TO DO SOMETHING, I WAS 18 YEARS OLD. AND IT WAS MY DADDY. AND I DIDN’T LISTEN TO HIM
EITHER.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO SUH!>>Jon: I DO DECLARE!>>Stephen: AND, SO, I PUT MY
IN THAT BOX OF FIRE CRACKERS AND TODAY I’M CONGRESSMAN CUSTAS
“SPARKY” JONES. SO, ON FRIDAY, LACKING THE VOTES
THEY NEEDED, THEY FOLDED THE OBAMACARE REPEAL AND PLACED IT
IN THE CABINET OF BROKEN REPUBLICAN DREAMS NEXT TO
TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS AND A JESUS-SHAPED FIGHTER JET THAT
DROPS GAY PEOPLE ON ISIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT WILL GET ‘EM. THAT WILL SHOW ‘EM!>>Jon: HEY —
>>Stephen: THEY COULD NOT GET THE FUNDING FOR THAT SOMEHOW. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. ( LAUGHTER )
SO IT’S A FAILURE. SO WHO DOES TRUMP BLAME FOR THIS
FAILURE?>>WE HAD NO DEMOCRAT SUPPORT. WE HAD NO VOTES FROM THE
DEMOCRATS.>>STEPHEN: NOT ENOUGH VOTES TO
GET A MAJORITY? THAT DIDN’T STOP YOU FROM
BECOMING PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST WORK YOUR MAGIC! JUST WORK YOUR MAGIC! ( PIANO RIFF )
IT’S ALMOST LIKE WE’RE LIVING IN SOME SORT OF DEMOCRACY. SO HE BLAMED DEMOCRATS AND
CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS AND MODERATE REPUBLICANS. BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON TRUMP
DOESN’T BLAME. HERE’S A HINT — IT RHYMES WITH
“DONALD TRUMP.” ( LAUGHTER )
>>I NEVER SAID — I GUESS I’M HERE, WHAT, 64 DAYS. I NEVER SAID “REPEAL AND REPLACE
OBAMACARE.” YOU’VE ALL HEARD MY SPEECHES. I NEVER SAID “REPEAL IT AND
REPLACE IT WITHIN 64 DAYS.” I HAVE A LONG TIME.>>STEPHEN: YEAH, TRUMP NEVER
SAID HE’D REPEAL OBAMACARE IN 64 DAYS. HE HAD A DIFFERENT TIME FRAME IN
MIND.>>THE FIRST THING WE’RE GOING
TO DO IS REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY FIRST DAY IN OFFICE, I’M GOING TO ASK CONGRESS TO PUT A
BILL ON MY DESK. WE WILL IMMEDIATELY REPEAL AND
REPLACE THE DISASTER KNOWN AS OBAMACARE. IMMEDIATELY REPEALING AND
REPLACING OBAMACARE. IMMEDIATELY, IMMEDIATELY
REPEALING AND REPLACING OBAMACARE.>>STEPHEN: IMMEDIATELY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IMMEDIATELY. IMMEDIATELY. DAY ONE, IMMEDIATELY. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, I GUESS, TECHNICALLY, HE DIDN’T FAIL ON FRIDAY. HE FAILED TWO MONTHS AGO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND AFTER ALL HIS CAMPAIGN
PROMISES, NOTHING! IT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU CAN’T TRUST
A FAST-TALKING CITY SLICKER WHO ROLLS INTO TOWN PROMISING A
MAGIC SOLUTION TO ALL OUR MEDICAL NEEDS. I’M STARTING TO DOUBT THE
EFFECTIVENESS OF DR. BANNON’S ANTI-MUSLIM TOAD OIL. ( LAUGHTER )
JUST RUB IT ON. YOU JUST RUB IT ON.>>Stephen: YOU’VE GOT TO GET
THE MUSLIM TO HOLD STILL WHILE YOU RUB IT ON. BUT IT’S NOT MY PRODUCT. I DIDN’T SAY IT WORKED. JUST A SPONSOR. JUST A SPONSOR. ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP ALSO DOESN’T BLAME– AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT — PAUL
RYAN. SPEAKING OF NOT BLAMING PAUL
RYAN, TRUMP FOUND TIME TO MAKE A TV RECOMMENDATION, TWEETING ON
SATURDAY — “WATCH @JUDGEJEANINE ON @FOXNEWS
TONIGHT AT 9:00 P.M.” WELL, THAT’S INTERESTING. I WONDER WHAT THE SHOW WAS ABOUT
THAT NIGHT.>>PAUL RYAN NEEDS TO STEP DOWN
AS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. THIS BILL DIDN’T JUST FAIL. IT FAILED WHEN REPUBLICANS HAD
THE HOUSE, THE SENATE, THE WHITE HOUSE. AND, SPEAKER RYAN, YOU COME IN
WITH ALL YOUR SWAGGER AND EXPERIENCE AND YOU SELL HIM A
BILL OF GOODS. BASED ON WHAT?? YOUR LEGISLATIVE EXPERTISE? WHAT? YOUR DRINKS AT THE HAY-ADAMS
WITH YOUR PALS!? RYAN HAS HURT YOU GOING FORWARD,
AND HE’S GOT TO GO.>>STEPHEN: BUT, FIRST, SOMEONE
GIVE JUDGE JEANINE A RIDE HOME FROM THE STUDIO. ( LAUGHTER )
AND, NO, I DON’T KNOW WHERE HER SHOES ARE! THEY’RE UNDER THE COUCH! ( APPLAUSE )
SO, HE MUST WANT RYAN GONE, RIGHT, REINCE PRIEBUS?>>DOES THE PRESIDENT WANT PAUL
RYAN TO RESIGN AS SPEAKER?>>WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I WILL GO
ON RECORD, WE DO LOVE JUDGE JEANINE, AND SO DOES THE
PRESIDENT. I THINK IT WAS MORE
COINCIDENTAL, CHRIS.>>OH, COME ON. WHY WOULD HE SAY WATCH HER
AND THEN THAT’S THE FIRST THING —
>>BECAUSE HE LOVES JUDGE JEANINE, AND HE WANTED TO DO
JUDGE JEANINE A FAVOR. I THINK THIS IS MORE OF A
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, THE PRESIDENT HELPING OUT A
FRIEND.>>Stephen: YEAH, JUST — JUST
HELPING OUT A FRIEND. “YOU SHOVE RYAN’S HEAD IN THE
TOILET, I’LL STAND BY BATHROOM DOOR AND YELL FOR EVERYONE TO
COME WATCH!” SWIRLY. IMMEDIATELY. ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, IF HE LIKES JUDGE JEANINE, TRUMP’S GOING TO LOVE TONIGHT’S
EPISODE OF THE LATE SHOW’S PRO-TRUMP NEWS TEAM, REAL NEWS
TONIGHT.>>WELCOME TO REAL NEWS TONIGHT,
I’M JIM.>>AND I’M JILL NEWS LADY. LAST WEEK’S REPUBLICAN HEALTH
CARE BILL FAILED BUT NOT BECAUSE OF PRESIDENT TRUMP WHO IS A GOOD
MAN.>>GREAT MAN. VERY GRAD. COULD BE BLAMED ON SPEAKER OF
THE HOUSE PAUL RYAN.>>THE WEAK BOY WHO SMELLS BAD. SMELLS BAD, IS BAD. WE TURNED TO SALLY BLAZERFACE. SALLY.>>PAUL RYAN HAS GOTTA GO. HE CAME IN HERE WITH HIS SWAGGER
AND HIS SWINGIN’ HIPS AND PROMISED TO DELIVER A HOT, JUICY
PILE OF HEALTH CARE, AND HE FAILED! TRUMP TRUSTED HIM BECAUSE OF
WHY? BECAUSE HE’S A GOOD-TIME BOY
PALLING AROUND GETTING MARGARITAS WITH ALL HIS PALS. AND I HATE IT WHEN SCHUMER AND
PELOSI GET TO SHAKE THEIR LIL’ MARACAS SAYING TRUMP IS NO GOOD! BECAUSE OF PAUL RYAN. PAUL RYAN FAILED REPUBLICANS. PRAIPAUL RYAN SAYS, I CAN’T GO T
HOOTERS ANYMORE BECAUSE I MADE THE GIRLS CRY. PAUL RYAN SAYS I HAVE TO DRINK
WATER. DONALD TRUMP WOULDN’T DO THAT. AND, DONALD, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU’RE WATCHING, I GOTTA TELL
YOU SOMETHING — WAIT, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!>>Stephen: SHE’S GOING TO BE
FINE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>Stephen: WE’VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. JANE FONDA AND LILY TOMLIN ARE
HERE. BUT FIRST, I’LL BE OVER THERE
TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA. STICK AROUND.