WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY STAR WARS
SHALL STAR WARS DAY, EVERYBODY, MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU. ALSO I THINK THE REPUBLICANS MAY
HAVE FOURTHED YOU OFF YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE BECAUSE THE
HOUSE VOTED TO REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE JUST A FEW
HOURS AGO. FOR MORE LET’S GO TO OUR
CONGRESSIONAL– NO, I KNOW THE FEELING. LET’S GO TO OUR CONGRESSIONAL
REPORTER BEN. BEN, WHAT WAS THAT MOMENT LIKE?>>AS IF MILLIONS OF VOICES
SUDDENLY CRIED OUT IN TERROR.>>Stephen: THANKS, BEN. NOW, HE’S A GOOD KID. NOW WHEN THEY TRIED TO PASS THIS
KIND OF BILL BACK IN MARCH MODERATE REPUBLICANS THOUGHT
THAT IT WAS TOO HARSH. WHILE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS
THOUGHT IT WAS TOO SOFT. THE ONLY PERSON WHO THOUGHT ITS
WITH JUST RIGHT WAS OREGON CONGRESSWOMAN GOLDI LOCKS. SHE WAS INTO IT AT FIRST BUT
EVENTUALLY VOTED FOR THE BILL AFTER THEY PROMISED HER $8
BILLION IN PORRIDGE SUBSIDIES. UNDER OBAMACARE INSURERS WERE
FORCED TO COVER CERTAIN ESSENTIAL HEALTH BENEFITS LIKE
MATERNITY CARE, EMERGENCY SERVICES AN PREVENTIVE SERVICES
BUT THIS NEW BILL ALLOWS STATES TO WAIVE THE BENEFIT RULES AND
SET UP THEIR OWN STANDARDS. YOU KNOW, BECAUSE PEOPLE GET
SICK DIFFERENTLY IN DIFFERENT STATES. IN CALIFORNIA YOU COULD BE
SUFFERING FROM HELLA FOOT PAIN, BRAH. WHEREAS IN MASSACHUSETTS, IT IS
WICKED BAD GOUT IN YOUR RED SA-WX. THAT IS A PERFECT BOSTON ACCENT. MERYL STREEP. (APPLAUSE)
ABSOLUTELY. OF COURSE THE BIG QUESTION IS
WHETHER THE NEW PLAN WILL COVER PREEXISTING CONDITIONS. AND THE ANSWER IS A DEF NO. CUZ THE BILL HAS AN AMENDMENT
THAT ALLOWS STATES TO OPT OUT. OPTING OUT. VERY POPULAR PROVISION WITH MANY
OF THE STATES WHO ALREADY FLY THE TRADITIONAL OPT OUT FLAG. AND THE TERM, YES, I AGREE. AND I’M FROM THERE. AND OF COURSE IT WOULDN’T BE A
REPUBLICAN BILL IF DIDN’T INCLUDE TAX CUTS. OBAMACARE WAS PAID FOR LARGELY
WITH A TAX INCREASE ON THE RICHEST AMERICANS. THE NEW BILL WOULD CUT TAXES FOR
THE WEALTHY UP TO $883 BILLION. NOW LISTEN, IF HEARING THAT
RAISES YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE, CALM DOWN, YOU CAN’T AFFORD THE
MEDICATION ANY MORE. BUT IF ALL OF THIS SEEMS
EXTREME, DON’T WORRY. SOME MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE
TELLING JOURNALISTS THAT THE BILL’S CONTROVERSIAL PROVISIONS
AREN’T A BUG DEAL BECAUSE QUOTE NO STATE WOULD BE CRAZY ENOUGH
TO ACTUALLY ASK FOR THEM. HAVE YOU MET FLORIDA? RIGHT THERE ON THEIR STATE SEAL,
CRAZY ENOUGH. SO THEY DID IT. OBAMACARE IS FINALLY, OFFICIALLY
DEAD IS SOMETHING THEY HE CAN SAY ONCE THE BILL GOES TO THE
SENATE THEN GETS OUT OF COMMITTEE, IS DEBATED ON THE
FLOOR WHERE AMENDMENTS CAN BE ADDED THEN THE SENATE VOTES ON
THEIR BILL WHICH IS SENT TO CONFERENCE COMMITTEE WHERE THE
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE TWO BILLS ARE IRONED OUT THEN VOTED
ON IN THE HOUSE AND SENATE AGAIN THEN SENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR
THE PRESIDENT TO SIGN. WHICH IS WHY REPUBLICANS WERE
CHANTING, WE’RE NUMBER ONE-THIRD OF THE WAY THROUGH A VERY
COMPLEX PROCESS. (APPLAUSE).>>Stephen: ALL THAT IS TRUE
BUT IT DID NOT STOP REPUBLICANS FROM THROWING A MASSIVE BEER
BASH. AND IT WASN’T JUST BEER, NO, I
MEAN THEY HAVEN’T ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING YET BUT IT WASN’T JUST
BEER. THEY ALSO SERVED UNHATCHED
CHICKENS, THERE WAS SO MUCH FOOD THEY HAD TO BRING IN A CART
BEFORE A HORSE IT WAS VERY LEVLY. AFTER THE VOTE, IT IT TOOK
AWHILE FOR THE METAPHOR TO CATCH ON IN THE ROOM BUT THEY GOT
THERE EVENTUALLY. AFTER THE VOTE, ONE REPORTER RAN
INTO REINCE PRIEBUS WHO TOLD HER, THE PRESIDENT STEPPED UP
AND HELPED PUNT THE BALL INTO THE END ZONE. YES, A PUNT INTO THE END ZONE. ACCURATE BECAUSE IT GETS YOU
ZERO POINTS AND GIVES YOUR OPPONENT GOOD FIELD POSITION. (APPLAUSE)
PUNTA WAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>Jon: I GOT YOU.>>Stephen: I THINK A MORE
ACCURATE FOOTBALL METAPHOR MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE GOP JUST KICKED
AMERICA IN THE BALLS. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
PIANO HAND. RIGHT AFTER THE VOTE THE
REPUBLICANS WENT OVER TO THE WHITE HOUSE WHERE DONALD TRUMP
SPOKE ABOUT THE BILL IN FRONT OF THE NATION’S STRATEGIC WHITE GUY
RESERVES. AND HE WANTED TO BE VERY CLEAR
ABOUT WHAT THIS IS.>>THIS IS, MAKE NO MISTAKE,
THIS IS A REPEAL AND A REPLACE OF OBAMACARE, MAKE NO MISTAKE
ABOUT IT. MAKE NO MISTAKE. TZ YES, MAKE NO MISTAKE. WE’VE ALREADY MADE ENOUGH FOR
TODAY. ALL THE MISTAKES ARE TAKEN. AND TRUMP DID HAVE A VERY
IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR THE ASSEMBLED. HOW AM I DOING? AM I DOING OKAY, I’M PRESIDENT,
HEY, I’M PRESIDENT, CAN YOU BELIEVE T RIGHT? TZ NO, WE STILL CAN’T. IT’S JUST–
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SWRZ HERE I STAND WITH PI BACK
AGAINST THE WALL.>>Stephen: AND TRUMP WALKED
ABOUT– TALKED ABOUT EVERYONE WHO CAME TOGETHER TO PASS THIS
BILL.>>WE HAVE THE TUESDAY GROUP, WE
HAVE SO MANY GROUPS. THE WE HAVE THE FREEDOM CAUCUS,
WE HAVE– AND THEY’RE ALL GREAT PEOPLE. WE HAVE A LOT OF GROUPS TZ YEAH,
A LOT OF GROUPS. THE GUYS WHO WEAR STRIPE TIE,
THE GUYS WHO WEAR SOLID TIE, THE BALD GUY, NOT BALD GUYS, VERY
DIVERSE COALITION. AND OF COURSE THERE WAS HIGH
PRAISE FOR THE PRESIDENT FROM HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER KEVIN
McCARTHY.>>I’VE ONLY BEEN THROUGH A FEW
PRESIDENTS BUT I’VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO HANDS ON TZ NEITHER
HAVE WE. HE’S HANDS ON. ESPECIALLY HEALTH CARE. HE’S ALREADY VOLUNTEERED TO DO
ALL THE MAMMOGRAMS. BUT BASED ON A TRUE STORY, THAT
JOKE. BUT IF YOU LOSE YOUR HEALTH
CARE, REMEMBER LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. UNTIL YESTERDAY WHEN A JURY
CONVICTED A WOMAN WHO LAUGHED AT JEFF SESSIONS. SEE TRUMP’S AMERICA ISN’T SO BAD
IT’S JIS THAT LAUGHTER IS NOW A CRIME. THE WOMAN DESIREE FAIROOZ WAS
CONVICTED OF DISRUPTING SESSIONS CONFIRMATION HEARINGS WHEN
ALABAMA SENATOR RICHARD SHELBY SAID THIS.>>BUT IN REALITY, JEFF SESSIONS
EXTENSIVE RECORD OF TREATING ALL AMERICANS EQUALLY UNDER THE LAW
IS CLEAR AND WELL-DOCUMENTED. TZ OH! OH, YOU JUST GOT BUSTED. FOR FIRST DEGREE CHUCKLING WITH
INTENT TO TITTER. NOW FAIROOZ DEFENDED HERSELF
SAYING HER LAUGHTER WAS A REFLEX. I UNDERSTAND THAT. I MEAN IT’S LIKE MY GAG REFLEX
EVERY TIME I SAY PRESIDENT– TRUMP. (APPLAUSE)
NOW THIS IS TRUE, FAIROOZ COULD FACE UP TO A YEAR IN PRISON,
OKAY. THAT IS HARSH. SHE COULD END UP JOINING A GANG,
OR WORSE AN IMPROV TROUPE. WE NOW LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE
LAUGHING AT JEFF SESSIONS IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE. SO FOR YOUR OWN– YOUR OWN
SAFETY, PLEASE DO NOT LAUGH AT HOW MUCH JEFF SESSIONS LOOKED
LIKE MY WRITER MIKE’S BRAND NEW BABY. (LAUGHTER)
YOU’RE ALL GOING TO JAIL. YOU’RE ALL GOING TO JAIL.