PEOPLE ARE STILL ANGRY ABOUT THE
HEALTH CARE BILL THAT CONGRESS PASSED LAST THURSDAY.>>Audience: BOO! YOU’RE A LITTLE LATE, BUT THANK
YOU. AND TRUMP KNOWS WHY:
“WOW, THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA DID EVERYTHING IN ITS POWER TO MAKE
THE REPUBLICAN HEALTH CARE VICTORY LOOK AS BAD AS POSSIBLE. FAR BETTER THAN OCARE!”
“OCARE,” OF COURSE, IS AN ABBREVIATION FOR THE WORDS
“OBAMA” AND “CARES IF YOU DIE.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND HOUSE REPUBLICANS– YAY! YAY! WE’RE GONNA DIE! AND HOUSE REPUBLICANS ARE TAKING
HEAT, LIKE IDAHO CONGRESSMAN AND HISPANIC DILBERT, RAUL LABRADOR.>>YOU’RE MANDATING PEOPLE ON
MEDICAID ACCEPT DYING. YOU ARE MAKING A MANDATE–
>>NO ONE WANTS ANYBODY TO DIE. YOU KNOW, THAT LINE IS SO
INDEFENSIBLE. NOBODY DIES BECAUSE THEY
DON’T HAVE ACCESS TO HEALTH CARE. ( CROWD BOOS )
>>Stephen: HE’S RIGHT. HE’S RIGHT. THEY DIE FROM SAYING THINGS LIKE
THAT TO AN ANGRY MOB WITH NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
>>Jon: YOU CAN’T SAY THAT.>>Stephen: THAT IS BALLSY. LABRADOR DEFENDED HIS REMARKS,
SAYING, “DURING TEN HOURS OF TOWN HALLS, ONE OF MY ANSWERS
ABOUT HEALTH CARE WASN’T VERY ELEGANT.” OH, THE PROBLEM ISN’T “WHAT” HE
SAID. IT’S THAT IT WASN’T SAID
ELEGANTLY. LET ME TRY FOR JUST A SECOND. LET ME TRY. UH-HUH HELP UH-HUH. UH-HUH. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
THIS REALLY MESSES WITH YOUR DEPTH PERCEPTION. ( LAUGHTER )
HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO. NOBODY DIES BECAUSE THEY DON’T
HAVE ACCESS TO HEALTH CARE. ( LAUGHTER )
ELEGANT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK WHERE I LIT IT. LOOK WHERE I LIT IT. THERE YOU GO. THAT IS SOME– THAT IS SOME GOOD
FILTER. ( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER DEFENDER OF THE BILL WAS DIRECTOR OF THE OFFICE OF
MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET AND MAN ASKING GOD TO STRIKE HIM DOWN
NOW, MICK MULVANEY. THIS SUNDAY, HE TOLD CBS’S JOHN
DICKERSON WHY WE SHOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT THE NEW HEALTH CARE BILL.>>THE BILL THAT PASSED OUT OF
THE HOUSE IS MOST LIKELY NOT GOING TO BE THE BILL THAT IS PUT
IN FRONT OF THE PRESIDENT.>>SO THE PRESIDENT KEPT SAYING
THIS IS A GREAT BILL AND IT’S A GOOD BILL BUT IT’S INCOMPLETE
ISIA WHATYOU’RE SAYING.>>WE REMEMBER SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, I’M A BILL, YES A BILL, BUT IT’S GOING TO GO
THROUGH THAT PROCESS.>>Stephen: OOD IT’S JUST LIKE
SCHOOL HOUSE ROCKS. HERE TO RESPOND FROM THE CAPITOL
STEPS, PLEASE WELCOME HEALTH CARE BILL. BILL, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.>>THANKS FOR HAVING ME,
STEPHEN.>>Stephen: BILL LET ME JUST
ASK YOU SOMETHING– ♪ I’M JUST A BILL, YES I’M ONLY
A BILL. ♪ AND I’M SITTING HERE ON
CAPITOL HILL ♪>>Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.>>THAT’S MY SONG?>>I KNOW IT’S YOUR SONG, BILL. IT’S HOW YOU’RE KNOWN. BUT DO YOU AGREE WITH MICK
MULVANEY THAT ARE YOU NOT YET IN YOUR FINAL FORM?>>THAT’S RIGHT, STEPHEN. THE HOUSE MAY HAVE PASSED ME,
BUT NOW I GO TO THE SENATE, AND THE WHOLE THING STARTS ALL OVER
AGAIN. IT’S A LONG JOURNEY, BUT I CAN’T
WAIT TO BE A LAW!>>Stephen: BILL, YOU SHOULD
KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T LIKE YOU.>>THEY DON’T? BUT, STEPHEN–
♪ I’M JUST A BILL YES I’M ONLY A BILL
♪ AND I’M SITTING HERE –>>Stephen: WE KNOW. LISTEN.>>OH, THAT’S RIGHT, WE
ESTABLISHED THAT.>>Stephen: NOW, BILL, I HAVE
TO ASK– HAVE YOU EVEN READ YOURSELF?>>WELL, NO,
I THOUGHT THE CONGRESS WOULD READ ME.>>Stephen: THEY DIDN’T, BILL,
AND IF YOU BECOME LAW, 24 MILLION PEOPLE COULD LOSE THEIR
HEALTH INSURANCE.>>WHAT? THAT’S TERRIBLE. WELL, AT LEAST I COVER
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.>>Stephen: NO, YOU DON’T DO
THAT, EITHER.>>MY GOD, I’M A MONSTER. WHO CREATED ME?>>Stephen: BILL, I DON’T KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT DONALD TRUMP… IS YOUR FATHER.>>NO! THAT’S NOT TRUE! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: READ YOURSELF, BILL. READ YOURSELF, BILL. YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.>>NOOOOOOOOOOOO!>>Stephen: CALM DOWN, BILL,
CALM DOWN. IT’S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.>>NO, I HAVE TO BE STOPPED. IF NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT, I’LL
VETO MYSELF!>>Stephen: NO, BILL! NO, BILL, DON’T!>>AAARRGGHHH!>>Stephen: OH, MY GOD. HE’S– HE’S DEAD.>>NO, I’M NOT. THEY MADE COPIES. WE’RE ALL SCREWED!>>Stephen: HEALTH CARE BILL,
EVERYBODY. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JON STEWART, JOHN
OLIVER, SAM BEE, ROB CORDDRY, AND ED HELMS! STICK AROUND.