reading and introspecting I feel like I used to be a little bit but I'm very badass or something that I thought I should so just this is the life job also known as the life journey of road everybody so much for joining us today on the life drug podcast I'm your host Rachel and I'm your host Louie and we are married is going to be five years this year and today we are going to talk about marriage so on our podcast we're always you know growing learning and evolving that's the whole point of it and we definitely want to do it with you guys so make sure you comment and you let us know what you would want us to talk about but today we're talking about marriage and we're kind of breaking down the same marriage is work marriage is work how many of you gather I heard that same before I feel like I've heard it so many times like people that are married always say it's a lot of work or if you go to a pre-marriage counseling what we're about to get married and just talking to people you know that were older and wiser they always say marriage is a lot of work but it doesn't mean anything like what does that actually mean you know for a newlywed couple or a young married couple so we're single person what does that mean marriage is a lot of work I think the way it's always presented it's always from a scary point of view it's always kind of like saying you don't know what you've got about to put yourself through it's gonna be away for you mmm you don't know all the things that you're gonna have to go through once you get married it's gonna be a lot of work because when you're about to get married or when you're engaged you're always feel so excited about that new step in your life but a lot of time it's like yeah marriage is a lot of work you know or it's kind of like to discourage you or to pop your bubble of that perfect idea that you're having ahead of marriage because obviously it's not it's not a perfect thing but we wanted to really try to see what it meant for us because it is a lot of work we we can see that but we want to break it down to see what does that mean and concretely in our relationship what a lot of work meant to us we were talking about something like this and it was he works in construction so you build a building you build a building yeah yeah building a new building you put so much work into it for like let's say a building it's like what a year two years maybe two years two years yeah so that's like the base of your relationship maybe like when you need you get together and you get married you get engaged get married and in two years you got your building but as you know an engineer he can tell you how much money goes into maintenance building maintenance over the life cycle of a building it will usually take about the same amount of money the same amount of money and resources to maintain a building so building and building is not the end of it end of it yeah actually building and building is a beginning of a life of a building so you have maintenance for you know plumbing electrical like all the the mechanical systems and even the building structure itself because the structure will move with time so you have to reinforce the structure over time so maintenance actually a crucial part so sometimes it's like oh you're gonna let the building a little bit like oh no nobody came to fix the plumbing like for the last you know a couple of months but then it's like you have to be like oh we need to fix the plumbing because then if you don't do anything it just gets worse like the plumbing goes down the electricity the floors everything goes and it's just broke in it's just that in bad shape you sure you don't want working construction it was a perfect example because sometimes we're like well we're married now you know everything is fine the building is built it's beautiful you know we cut the ribbon and people go in and with that while the new building and if you like it takes so much work to pay so much money because people are actually using this building in it with time just like a car when you use a car you have to do oil change you have to change tires you you have to do all this other maintenance in order to keep the value of the car not meet value it's beautiful building beautiful yeah not just you know run down run down holding and that's how it is in a relationship I think that in a marriage and MSA that side isn't a marriage you constantly have to maintain your marriage and I think that's where people say that marriage is a lot of work and it's very what I love about this is that maintain maintaining it and we do it the way you're supposed to do it it's so much easier than letting things go and then trying to fix everything at once it's like it's like again a building on a car when you have a car you think by brand new car if you run your brand-new car for two years without doing oil change without changing any fluid without topping the there staring there stirring an oil and all those are the fluids your car is gonna run down no matter how new your car was when you bought it a year later or two years later your car is gonna run down and it's gonna be like that and then it's like a lot of things to fix that's why and it's hard to fix a lot of things but it's like when you always you always like have the mindset of you know I gotta maintain this then you're like whoa you know I feel that we're not connecting as much as sweet let's take some time together is it a little mean I uh I have to do this I have to go and wash the dishes I take the time to maintain your marriage amen another work means sacrificing for example going out for me I loved soccer so you know I will find myself in a position where I wanted to go play soccer but you wanted to stay in because you want to you know you just wanted to stay in and I have to make the decision to stay in because I have to make sure that you're happy but when like when does that happen because is it because I was pregnant I had a baby out a newborn you know no it was before we could you know after we got married was before the kids that's it before the kids there were time that I want to go play soccer but I knew that I spent the whole day at work and you were home the whole time so when I came back I had to make sure that I take care of you and for you at the time you wanted me to be home so you can spend quality time together sometimes I want to go out and play soccer but I have to make that conscious decision to should I go play soccer because it only benefits me all should I stay in so that not only benefit you and I but also is it strengthen our relationship mm-hmm and I have to make that decision whereas if no not whereas when our single you know we can compromise around that decision but yeah I mean when you were single we're not living we're not living in the same city yeah we're living in the same country so it didn't really matter if you were going out or not that's true but it's like yeah I get that I was by myself at home I didn't have a car I was locked in the whole day and then it's like I mean no Sarah you looked at me when I loved him you could I mean it's it was it was a difficult situation because it a new place I never lived there in my life I didn't have a car and I wasn't someone that you could walk and stuff and then if you finish work late and then you go play soccer you come back when I eat it it sucks for me yeah yeah so that was something that it was hard for you with hardware it's not a hard work but it's fine it's fine and it's still work they are still part of the work that we're talking about it's part of the sacrifice and that's just one situation I mean there's some situation where I mean I want to just go hang out with friends but because I knew the situation that you were in and we were in as a couple I had to make that decision to stay on well with you us too instead of going out with you and I and my friends like I used to do before we got married yeah I mean for we got married I used to have a car and I had my own life too and I just gave that up to go where you were that's not the work you sacrifice your whole life to be to adjust to their life together with me in a state so that's part of the work their sacrifice the conscious decision that would make on a daily basis mm-hmm those are the sacrifices yeah for me I feel like a lot of work can mean also that there's a lot of changes in life you know especially I'm gonna say my getting pregnant having children and you can really get you can really get sidetracked into your your new roles you know your role of like mother your role as an employee and then you can just put your relationship or your marriage on the back of the of the like put your marriage and relationship on the back door you know it's it's the last thing that you're gonna attend to and I feel like that is to me that's a lot of work because you have to consciously always think about my marriage right now is on the back of my mind I need to bring it back forward because it is the building it's like the building block of your life you know it's a building block of your family the marriage the relationship between you know you and me and sometimes you know I can get sidetracked with the children or when I used to work you can get sidetracked with the stress of work and but you always gotta think about where do I stand right now in my marriage and I think a lot of work also means that you understand that you can't do everything perfectly at one point you're going to lack with your children at one point you're going to lack in you know you your job at one point you're gonna lack in your relationship because you can't be you can't give hundred percent to everything at all times and it's actually funny because we always have the impression that people want to have kids wife good job other responsibilities that they would you know everything under control for some reason you think that the other people have it under control or look at you you're doing all these things you get it under control no you know I mean most of the time we don't have another control love things at time but that is right it's really for me it's like a rotation it's just keeping back a balance in that rotation which is okay maybe this week you know you have to work 60 hours and you know I'm gonna have to take over more of the activities with the children and kind of like entertain them more and our relationship is going to be strength well it's not stress but it's not gonna be at the forefront we're not gonna have a lot of time one-on-one together and just understanding that this is for a season it's for a little time and then do you know the next week that we're gonna make up that time and just having that understanding that you know we can't have everything perfect because things happen and circumstances change but just making sure that you know sometimes your children my attention sometimes your marriage needs more attention sometimes your work needs more attention but you're able to always kind of like think about okay it's been a while since you know you and me have been on a date let's make this happen it's been a while since you know you went on a date with 90 because you do go out on dates with our kids so you were on a date with 90 let's make this happen it's been a while since you or you need to catch up on work so I'm gonna work from home I'm gonna take the kids out I'm gonna go somewhere else with them so just understanding that and kind of it does I think that's a lot of work that's what it is just managing all aspects of your lives so that nothing is like lacking for too long that you your meeting you know your goal in each area what do you think you're looking at it like you're not convinced no I'm convinced but I had a thought that actually was the way no that's part of the discipline that you get for marriage but that's am one of everything that you say is actually confirming that yes marriage is a lot of work because unlike when you were not married you didn't have all these responsibilities and everything in your life revolved around you yes everything around you around you my day my time my peace my happiness now now you have you have because we I wanna make you happy and you wanna make me happy so it's like there's always this exchange actually responsible for I know when you are children that's another load because they're completely dependent especially when they're young on you so yeah that's definitely what I feel like work is he's just managing your relationship managing your children managing your work managing your your activities because we do other things outside of our family that you know has purpose and we love and we want to keep doing so it's just balancing all those things and it takes a lot of forethought planning and also maturity to be able to to really conquer this so marriage it's work is really about selflessness – yes when I go to Canada and that's what the foreheads used to sing marriage is gonna be a lot of work because you're gonna have to learn how to be selfless and that's the hardest part in our human character being selfless basically putting other people before you putting other people like other people with other people's desire other people's goals and a time before yours yes but at the same time you still like I said after me yes you need to learn how to do that to a certain extent but you still you still have to be your own person and you still have to pursue what you need and what you want so for me I feel like we do a good job because we're like in a partnership which we understand that you know what you want to do this go ahead I'm gonna be supportive on that in this area and then at another time is gonna be that okay you want to do this I did my training right so I want I want to be a doula so I started my training as a doula so it meant that you know he had to watch the kids you know after work so that's something that he supports me because I want to do something to I want to be I want to pursue my my purpose and he supports me into that and then you know for you there's a lot of things I mean he does a lot of things but then I think a lot of work also includes patience with each other so patience and also respect because sometimes you just want to force someone to do something because you really believe is the best thing to do but you can't force someone to do anything so just having patience just to let the person catch up to you so I feel like I was working full-time you were home you were home and he was looking for a job and I like if I like working just for myself because I'm just I was just raised like this you know women work and we support the family and we also have our independence so for me I always wanted to work but I also was really torn about my children because I didn't want to leave them I I love being with my kids and I love being the one raising my kids I don't like them I don't like the fact an idea of someone else raising my children so it's always like a battle within myself and my husband was like you don't need to work you know once I find a job he can quit that he could be home but for me it was like no I wouldn't work you know I was I want to have something of myself or myself too so but he was like no you know you you can stay home you know it I don't think it's necessary for you to do that you can work from home or you can do your own thing on the side but for me I was like man I'm just you know I got a promotion I'm gonna work in the next year I want to get this promotion promotion so then I got pregnant and I got into a lot of stress like it was really hard going to work by the time I got to work I was tired I was exhausted because I had to wake up get my kid to daycare and I didn't have a car and then go to work which was you know an hour away and I was so tired so I realized that you know what I'm I'm gonna stay home and I did and it was really the best decision that I could have made but it's just him not forcing me just letting me make my own decisions it's something I think is really important and it is work because it's like you gotta just give the time to the prison to meet their own mistake and meet their own decisions so I think that was a an example for me that I'm like man you were right this whole time how long did it take for you to five months five months yeah those were like very tough it was hard because I used to come home and it was I used to leave home around 7:00 before seven 650 and I used to come home at 6:30 to get home my 6:30 and that's because you picked me up from the train if I was taking the bus back home I probably would came back at like 7:00 and by the time I got home I was so tired I wouldn't even eat I was just go to sleep and I didn't see my daughter and I get to see my daughter for an hour in the morning when I was dropping her daycare so it wasn't the ideal thing but I think just letting the prison see it's like I think for you I mean what do you do for you I remember this this one time when I started working you had difficulty at work with my performance and my abilities and at that time I was really struggling with my self-esteem and it took me a while to actually get over it because on a daily basis that would come home over stress about my performance at work and you will speak life into me you encouraged me that I am smart that I have accomplished so many things in life and you know just those little one or two things that I'm not doing at work shouldn't bring me down and it took me about a couple of years for me to actually understand what you were saying and for you you never you never lost hope you kept speaking those positive words those are affirmation into my life I was reinforcing my strength of the thing that I had without you know putting me down and I think that while it clicked for me it was really good because I was able to add see map attention and see the things that I could bring to the table and actually I started working towards the direction that I wanted to to work towards and it took a lot of patience from you though and there are made going through that depression for two years without ever bringing me down and that was that was something very very powerful and I think that patience is very it's very important in the marriage and that's why I say it takes a lot of work I mean for you you got the concept you understood what it took for me to overcome what I was going through but for me I didn't did that and it took me about a couple of years and you were patient with me along the way so yeah patience it's a lot of work and yeah it is yeah and it's like now it's you're amazing like you do it's like I always believe in you and I always be never understood why you didn't believe in yourself but it's like now just seeing what you accomplished now that you believe in yourself is just amazing thank you thank thank you thank you thank you always probably always tell you what I mean thank you so much yeah I hope we're gonna be like you and me that's African stuff I want to be like you but the last point I want to say it's also reading and introspecting I feel like I used to be a little bit but I'm very badass or something I thought I should maybe that's a good so just I think the mean is just balancing all the different areas of your life this is I think the most the most difficult part and also because I think a lot of times marriage takes the backseat to all the other things and that's why it's like oh it's so much work but I really think that if you consistently bring your relationship back forward like because I gotta said like you can be swamped into work in one week and swamp with the kids one week but if you consciously like oh let's bring our marriage back forward like back on the front let's take some time together let's start let's you know go on a date let's just be intimate and be together consistently you're never gonna be like in a place where it's just completely broken and I think that is a word for today okay so thank you so much for joining us today after that you were blessed by this message and have a good one