I HAD AN INTERESTING DAY TODAY. I’LL TELL YOU. SO LAST NIGHT ON OUR SHOW, I TOOK — A SENATOR FROM LOUISIANA, BILL CASSIDY, I TOOK HIM TO TASK FOR PROMISING TO MY FACE THAT HE WOULD OPPOSE ANY HEALTH CARE PLAN THAT ALLOWED INSURANCE COMPANIES TO TURN PEOPLE WITH PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS AWAY, AND ANY HEALTH CARE PLAN THAT HAD AN ANNUAL OR LIFETIME CAP ON HOW MUCH THEY WOULD PAY OUT FOR MEDICAL CARE. HE SAID ANYTHING HE SUPPORTED WOULD HAVE TO PASS WHAT HE NAMED “THE JIMMY KIMMEL TEST” WHICH WAS FINE, WHICH WAS GOOD. BUT UNFORTUNATELY AND PUZZLINGLY, HE PROPOSED A BILL THAT WOULD ALLOW STATES TO DO ALL THE THINGS HE SAID HE WOULD NOT LET THEM DO. HE MADE A TOTAL ABOUT-FACE, WHICH MEANS HE EITHER DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HIS OWN BILL, OR HE LIED TO ME, IT’S SIMPLE AS THAT. SO TODAY IT WAS A BAD MORNING FOR SENATOR CASSIDY. HE AND HIS COSPONSOR LINDSEY GRAHAM SPENT THE MORNING DEFENDING THE INDEFENSIBLE. THIS MORNING THE SENATORS HAD AN INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS CUOMO, CNN, AND PULLED THE “ALL COMEDIANS ARE DUMMIES” CARD. >>A NEW JIMMY KIMMEL TEST CALLED A LIE DETECTOR TEST. YOU’RE WELCOME TO STOP BY THE STUDIO AND TAKE IT.>>HARSH WORDS, NOT APPARENTLY IN JEST. JOINING US IS SENATOR BILL CASSIDY. WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSE, SENATOR?>>I’M SORRY HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND.>>Jimmy: OH, I GET IT, I DON’T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I’M A TALK SHOW HOST, RIGHT? THEN HELP ME OUT. WHICH PART DON’T I UNDERSTAND? THE PART WHERE YOU CUT $243 BILLION FROM FEDERAL HEALTH CARE ASSISTANCE? AM I NOT UNDERSTANDING THE PART WHERE STATES WOULD BE ALLOWED TO LET INSURANCE COMPANIES PRICE YOU OUT OF COVERAGE FOR HAVING PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS? MAYBE I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE PART OF YOUR BILL WHICH FEDERAL FUNDING DISAPPEARS COMPLETELY AFTER 2026? OR MAYBE IT WAS THE PART WHERE THE PLANS ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED TO PAID FOR ESSENTIAL HEALTH BENEFITS LIKE MATERNITY CARE OR PEDIATRIC VISITS? OR THE PART WHERE THE AMERICAN MIRACLE ASSOCIATION, THE AMERICAN COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS, THE AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PEDIATRICS, THE AMERICAN HOSPITAL ASSOCIATION, THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY, THE AMERICAN DIABETES ASSOCIATION, THE AMERICAN HEART ASSOCIATION, LUNG ASSOCIATION, ARTHRITIS FOUNDATION, CYSTIC FOUNDATION, A.L.S., MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS SOCIETY, AND MARCH OF DIMES AMONG OTHERS ALL VEHEMENTLY OPPOSE YOUR BILL? WHICH PART OF THAT AM I NOT UNDERSTANDING? OR COULD IT BE SENATOR CASSIDY, THE PROBLEM IS THAT I DO UNDERSTAND AND YOU GOT CAUGHT WITH YOUR G-O-PENIS OUT? IS THAT POSSIBLE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE IT IS. I DON’T WANT TO TURN THIS INTO A KANYE AND TAYLOR SWIFT TYPE SITUATION. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT WHEN SENATOR CASSIDY WAS ON MY SHOW IN MAY, HE TOLD ME THAT HE BELIEVED THAT EVERY AMERICAN FAMILY, REGARDLESS OF INCOME, SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET QUALITY HEALTH CARE. AND I BELIEVED HE WAS SINCERE. SADLY, THE BILL HE UNVEILED LAST WEEK WITH SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM INDICATES THAT HE WAS NOT SINCERE. IT IS, BY MANY ACCOUNTS, THE WORST HEALTH CARE BILL YET. I HAVE A CLIP THAT I HOPE WILL MAKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH SENATOR CASSIDY EASIER TO UNDERSTAND. THIS IS FROM LAST NIGHT’S YANKEES GAME. SENATOR CASSIDY, HE MADE A PITCH THAT LOOKED TO BE PRETTY GOOD AT FIRST. BUT THEN IT TOOK A DANGEROUS TURN AND HIT US RIGHT IN THE NOSE. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED. YOU SEE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO NOTGOT A LOT OF NICE TWEETS F SICK AND DISABLED PEOPLE WHO ARE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR ACCESS TO HEALTH CARE BEING CUT OFF. I ALSO GOT WORDS THAT WERE NOT SO NICE, PARTICULARLY FROM OUR FRIENDS AT “FOX AND FRIENDS JACKSONVILLE. >>POLITICALLY CHARGED EMMYS MAY HAVE BEEN THE LOWEST RATED IN HISTORY BUT THAT’S NOT STOPPING HOLLYWOOD ELITES LIKE COMEDIAN JIMMY KIMMEL FOR PUSHING THEIR POLITICS ON THE REST OF THE COUNTRY, WATCH. >>Jimmy: THANKS, BRIAN. THE REASON I FOUND THIS COMMENT TO BE PARTICULARLY ANNOYING IS BECAUSE THIS IS A GUY, BRIAN KILLMEET, WHO WHENEVER I SEE HIM KISSES MY ASS LIKE A LITTLE BOY. OH, HE’S SUCH A FAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HE FOLLOWS ME ON TWITTER. HE ASKS ME TO WRITE A BLURB FOR HIS BOOK, WHICH I DID. HE CALLS MY AGENT, LOOKING FOR PROJECTS. HE’S DIEING TO BE A MEMBER OF THE HOLLYWOOD ELITE. THE ONLY REASON HE’S NOT A MEMBER OF THE HOLLYWOOD ELITE IS BECAUSE NOBODY WILL HIRE HIM TO BE ONE. AND THE REASON I’M TALKING ABOUT THIS IS BECAUSE MY SON HAD AN OPEN HEART SURGERY, HAS TO HAVE TWO MORE, AND I LEARNED THERE ARE KIDS WITH NO INSURANCE IN THE SAME SITUATION. I DON’T GET ANYTHING OUT OF THIS, BRIAN, YOU PHONY LITTLE CREEP. OH, I’LL POUND YOU WHEN I SEE YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT IS MY BLURB. THAT WILL BE MY BLURB FOR YOUR NEXT BOOK. “BRIAN KILLMEET IS A PHONY LITTLE CREEP.” THAT’S RIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THIS IS ANOTHER ONE. GUESS WHO ELSE WEIGHED IN WITH HIS OPINION OF ME?>>GOVERNOR CHRISTIE, YOU COME DOWN ON THE JIMMY KIMMEL SIDE OF THE CASSIDY –>>NO, NO, NO. I DON’T COME DOWN ON THE JIMMY KIMMEL SIDE.>>JIMMY KIMMEL’S POSITION IS TO PROVIDE HEALTH CARE FOR PEOPLE WITH PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.>>LISTEN, I’M NOT GOING TO GET INTO JIMMY KIMMEL, HE’S NOT A SERIOUS PERSON. [ AUDIENCE MOANING ]>>Jimmy: I’M NOT SERIOUS? I NEVER GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN. [ LAUGHTER ] OKAY? YOU SAY I’M NOT A SERIOUS PERSON. THAT’S WHAT — IN THIS CASE, CHRIS CHRISTIE IS ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF ME, FROM HIM I DESERVE IT. TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, I DID ONCE GET MY HEAD STUCK IN A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN. I GOLD A SCOLDING FROM SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, COSPONSOR OF THIS TERRIBLE NEW HEALTH CARE BILL. SENATOR GRAHAM TOLD REPORTERS THAT WHAT I SAID LAST NIGHT WAS GARBAGE, HE LASHED OUT AT ME FOR NOT CALLING SENATOR CASSIDY BEFORE I WENT ON THE AIR. I GUESS TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO LIE TO ME AGAIN OVER THE TELEPHONE. BUT I’M NOT GOING TO ATTACK LINDSEY GRAHAM, FOR TWO REASONS. NUMBER ONE, HE’S ONE OF THE FEW REPUBLICANS WHO STANDS UP TO DONALD TRUMP. AND NUMBER TWO, LINDSEY GRAHAM HAPPENS TO LOOK A LOT LIKE MY GRANDMA JANE. [ LAUGHTER ] WHO IS NOW DECEASED. [ APPLAUSE ] SO I HAVE A SOFT SPOT FOR HIM. I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA LINDSAY, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY. MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS DESPERATE TO DO AWAY WITH OBAMACARE. HE’S MAD AT RAND PAUL FOR GOING AGAINST IT. TODAY HE TWEETED, RAND PAUL IS A FRIEND OF MINE BUT HE’S SUCH A NEGATIVE FORCE WHEN IT COMES TO FIXING HEALTH CARE. GRAHAM/CASSIDY BILL IS GREAT, ENDS O-CARE. THAT’S HOW HE CARES ABOUT BECAUSE THERE’S NO WAY PRESIDENT TRUMP READ THIS BILL THAT HE SAYS IS GREAT, HE JUST WANTS TO GET RID OF IT BECAUSE OBAMA’S NAME IS ON IT. DEMOCRATS SHOULD RENAME IT “IVANKACARE,” GUARANTEED HE GETS ON BOARD. IMAGINE DONALD TRUMP TRYING TO READ A HEALTH CARE BILL? IT’S LIKE TRYING TO IMAGINE A DOG DOING YOUR TAXES, IT DOESN’T COMPUTE. I DON’T BLAME HIM, I DID MORE HOMEWORK THIS WEEK THAN ALL MY YEARS OF COLLEGE COMBINED. THIS HEALTH CARE BILL IS CONFUSING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE NOT EXPERTS IN THE FIELD. I WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO BOIL IT DOWN IN A SPECIAL EDITION OF “BARISTA THEATER.” [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HERE WE ARE IN A COFFEE SHOP. AND THIS IS MY BARISTA. GO RIGHT AHEAD.>>WHAT CAN I GET YOU?>>Jimmy: BLACK COFFEE, PLEASE. >>SURE THING. YOUR NAME?>>Jimmy: MY NAME IS JIMMY.>>ALL RIGHT. THERE YOU GO, THAT WILL BE $3.50. >>Jimmy: WHAT — WHAT ARE YOU DOING — WHAT WAS THAT?>>YOU ASKED FOR A BLACK COFFEE.>>Jimmy: YEAH, BUT IT’S ALL OVER THE TABLE.>>OH, SIR, I’M SORRY YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. I PROVIDED YOU WITH COFFEE. NOW IT’S UP TO THE INDIVIDUAL CUP TO DECIDE WHETHER YOU GET IT OR NOT. >>Jimmy: WHAT? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? A CUP IS A CUP.>>IS IT, THOUGH? WE BELIEVE EACH CUP IS CAPABLE OF MAKING ITS OWN DECISION ON WHETHER TO HOLD COFFEE OR NOT.>>Jimmy: BUT YOUR JOB IS TO SERVE COFFEE. SHOULDN’T I FOR SURE BE ABLE TO DRINK IT?>>OH, NO. I’M SORRY, NO. PUTTING BOTTOMS ON ALL THE CUPS WOULD BE TOO EXPENSIVE. SO ANYWAY, THAT WILL BE $3.50, TIMMY. >>Jimmy: I’M NOT PAYING IT. IT’S JIMMY, BY THE WAY. THIS IS EXHAUSTING, I WANT NO PART OF THIS AT ALL. >>YOU’RE EXHAUSTED?>>Jimmy: YES. >>THAT’S A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION. YOUR NEW TOTAL IS — $387.50.>>Jimmy: THAT’S RIDICULOUS. I’M NOT PAYING $387.50. >>RIDICULOUS. ACTUALLY, IT IS ADEQUATE AND AFFORDABLE.>>Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT? I’LL JUST GO TO ANOTHER COFFEE PLACE, THANK YOU. >>THIS IS HOW ALL COFFEE SHOPS ARE NOW. IF YOU WANT YOUR COFFEE IN A CUP, GO DID CANADA.>>Jimmy: FINE. YOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT? THEIR PRESIDENT IS CUTER ANYWAY. AND — SCENE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT. ONE MORE THEN. THEN WE WILL MOVE ON FROM THIS, I PROMISE. AT THE END OF MY MONOLOGUE LAST NIGHT I ENCOURAGED PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT THE SUBJECT TO CALL THEIR SENATORS TO LET THEM KNOW THEY CARE. I EVEN GAVE OUT A PHONE NUMBER. THIS VIDEO OF THE MONOLOGUE HAS MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF VIEWS. IT WAS ALL OVER THE NEWS. A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SEEN IT AND SHARED IT. “THE NEW YORK TIMES” TODAY CONTACTED THE OFFICE OF SUSAN COLLINS, WHO’S ONE OF THE KEY SENATORS ON THIS, AND THEY CLAIMED AT HER OFFICE THAT THE CALL VOLUME SHE GOT IS THE SAME AS USUAL. IF THAT IS TRUE, THIS IS WHY THINGS LIKE THIS KEEP HAPPENING. BECAUSE WE DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THEM. SO PLEASE STOP TEXTING FOR FIVE SECONDS AND MAKE A PHONE CALL. ESPECIALLY CALL THESE SENATORS. THESE ARE THEIR NUMBERS RIGHT THERE ON THE SCREEN. IF YOU LIVE IN ONE OF THESE STATES, CALL THEM. IT REALLY DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE. AND WHO KNOWS, MAYBE YOU’LL MEET SOMEBODY OVER THE PHONE AND FALL IN LOVE, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S