WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN LIVING IT UP SINCE THE BARR REPORT ON THE
MUELLER REPORT TOTALLY CLEARED HIM OF HALF THE CHARGES. AND THAT IS A HUGE BOOST, AND
YOU CAN SEE IT IN HIS APPROVAL RATINGS. ON MARCH 23, THE DAY BEFORE THE
MUELLER REPORT WAS DELIVERED, TRUMP WAS AT 41.9%. BUT TODAY, WITH THE COLLUSION
CLOUD LIFTED, THAT NUMBER HAS SOARED TO 41.9%.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHICH IS A DIFFERENCE OF… LET ME SEE. 41 POINT…( LAUGHTER )
AH, NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE. BARR’S REPORT ON THE MUELLER
REPORT CHANGED NOBODY’S MIND ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, WHICH IS
SURPRISING. I TUNED INTO MSNBC LAST NIGHT
FULLY EXPECTING TO SEE “THE RACHEL MAGA SHOW.”( LAUGHTER )
“OKAY, IT WAS 1982 IN NEW YORK. A YOUNG DONALD TRUMP WAS PLOWING
SUPERMODELS AND, IN TURN, MAKING EACH OF THEM GREAT AGAIN.”( LAUGHTER )
VOTERS WERE ALSO ASKED IF THEY HAD A MORE OR LESS FAVORABLE
VIEW OF TRUMP AFTER MUELLER’S FINDINGS. 39% SAID MORE FAVORABLE, WHILE
43% SAID LESS FAVORABLE. SO WHAT– LET ME GET THIS
STRAIGHT. AFTER FINDING OUT THAT HE DIDN’T
COLLUDE, PEOPLE LIKED HIM LESS.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WAIT, WAIT, I DON’T– WHAT? WAIT.>>Jon: DON’T MAKE NO SENSE?>>Stephen: NO COLLUSION? WAIT A SECOND, I WAS HOPING HE
WAS CONTROLLED BY PUTIN. BECAUSE THAT GUY KNOWS WHAT HE’S
DOING, UNLIKE PRESIDENT NUMBNUTS OVER HERE.” STILL, BILL WIN FOR TRUMP. I MEAN, HE HSD BEEN
ROPE-A-DOPING ON THIS MUELLER THING FOR TWO YEARS. AND NOW HE FINALLY HAS A CHANCE
TO GET ON AMERICA’S GOOD SIDE. STEP ONE: TAKE AWAY EVERYONE’S
HEALTHCARE, BECAUSE TRUMP IS TRYING TO KILL OBAMACARE, AGAIN.>>Audience: BOO!(ANNOUNCER):
“MR. TRUMP, YOU’VE JUST BEEN CLEARED OF COLLUSION. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?”
(AS TRUMP)
: “I’M GOING TO ROLL A DIABETIC
OFF A CLIFF.”( LAUGHTER )
COME ON. COME ON, SWEETNESS. LET’S GO.” HOW DUMB IS THIS GUY? IN THE MIDTERMS, HE GOT HIS ASS
KICKED BECAUSE HEALTH CARE WAS THE TOP ISSUE FOR VOTERS.(AS TRUMP):
“OW! OW! THAT STOVE IS HOT. LET’S TRY THAT AGAIN WITH
SOMETHING ELSE.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S A METAPHOR! IT’S JUST A METAPHOR, JON. NOBODY THINKS KILLING OBAMACARE
IS A GOOD IDEA. AS ONE G.O.P. STRATEGIST PUT IT,
“THEY ARE COMPLETELY TONE DEAF. W.T.F. IS WRONG WITH THEM?”
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THEM? WHERE T.F. DO YOU START?( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP TAKING AWAY YOUR HEALTHCARE IS EVEN BEING OPPOSED
BY THE TWO PEOPLE WHO NOW HAVE TO TAKE AWAY YOUR
HEALTHCARE: HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES SECRETARY AND MAN WHO
CHANGED HIS MIND MIDWAY THROUGH THE HAIR TRANSPLANT, ALEX AZAR,
AND ATTORNEY GENERAL AND OWL WHO WON’T TELL YOU HOW MANY LICKS IT
TAKES TO GET TO THE CENTER OF THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION,
WILLIAM BARR. OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, BARR–
BARR– THE ATTORNEY GENERAL– NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR, HE
CLEARS TRUMP OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. AND NOW HE’S GOT TO BE THE GUY
WHO TAKES AWAY EVERYONE’S HEALTHCARE? IT EXPLAINS WHY TRUMP INTRODUCED
HIM LIKE THIS:>>I WANT TO WISH OUR NEW
ATTORNEY GENERAL GREAT LUCK AND SPEED AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE. BILL, GOOD LUCK.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“YES, GOOD LUCK. YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT, BECAUSE
YOU TAKE AWAY PEOPLE’S HEALTHCARE, THEY’RE GOING TO BE
PISSED AND WITH NOTHING TO LOSE. I’D HAVE SOMEONE ELSE START YOUR
CAR FOR A WHILE.”( LAUGHTER )
SO WHY IS HE DOING IT? WHY IS HE DOING THIS? ACCORDING TO SENIOR ADVISERS,
TRUMP “CAMPAIGNED ON REPEALING THE HEALTH LAW. HIS BASE OF VOTERS WOULD
LOVE IT. BESIDES, THEY ARGUED, DEMOCRATS
HAVE BEEN CAMPAIGNING SUCCESSFULLY ON HEALTH CARE, AND
REPUBLICANS SHOULD TRY TO TAKE IT OVER THEMSELVES.” WHICH MEANS HAVING A PLAN, WHICH
MIGHT BE A PROBLEM, BECAUSE FOR THE LAST NINE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN
TRYING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE, THEIR REPLACEMENT HAS BEEN
“HEAVEN SEEMS NICE.”( LAUGHTER )
“DON’T YOU WANT TO MEET JESUS?” AND SO FAR, SO FAR, THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION HAS PROVIDED NO INDICATION IT HAD ANY SPECIFICS
FOR WHAT WOULD TAKE OBAMACARE’S PLACE. IN FACT, MARCO RUBIO SAID OF
TRUMP, “HE DIDN’T OFFER A PLAN.”(AS TRUMP):
“LISTEN, MARCO, IF I PLANNED, I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD ERIC.”( LAUGHTER ).>>Jon: OH!>>Stephen: “OKAY? THINK ABOUT THAT? THINK? THINK.” TRUE STORY. BUT IT’S NOT JUST HEALTH CARE. YESTERDAY, IN HIS MEETING WITH
REPUBLICANS, TRUMP SAID HE OPPOSES FURTHER DISASTER AID FOR
BATTERED PUERTO RICO.(AS TRUMP):
“LOOK, WHAT MORE DO THEY NEED? THOSE PAPER TOWELS I THREW AT
THEM CAN BE USED AS FOOD, SHELTER, AND IN A PINCH, THE
CARDBOARD TUBES MAKE VERY GENEROUS LOVERS.” AND– I’M GLAD YOU LIKED THAT
ONE.>>Jon: WHOA!>>Stephen: I’M GLAWD LIKED
THAT ONE. I WAS ON THE FENCE, BUT NOW I’M
SOLD! OKAY.( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! THAT’S BAD! THAT’S BAD! ALL OF THAT STUFF IS BAD– THE
HEALTH CARE, THE PUERTO RICO, THAT’S BAD. BUT IT’S NOT CARTOON VILLAIN
BAD. IF YOU WANT CARTOON VILLAIN BAD,
LOOK NO FURTHER THAN SECRETARY OF EDUCATION AND WOMAN–
( BOOING ) WOMAN APPALLED THAT YOU
CHRISTENED YOUR YACHT WITH DOMESTIC CHAMPAGNE, BETSY DEVOS. DEVOS WENT BEFORE CONGRESS
YESTERDAY TO DEFEND AT LEAST $7 BILLION IN PROPOSED CUTS TO
EDUCATION PROGRAMS. YEAH! NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW! THESE KIDS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD
FOR TOO LONG. CRAYONS AND COLORED PENCILS? WHAT’S NEXT, MARKERS?! I SAY WE SHOULD GO BACK TO THE
OLD DAYS WHERE EVERY CHILD QUARRIES THEIR OWN SLATE; THEY
ARE ISSUED A SINGLE PIECE OF CHALK, AND WHEN IT RUNS OUT,
YOU’RE DONE WITH SCHOOL! BACK TO THE TEXTILE MILL! CHANGE SOME BOBBINS! YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR BOBBINS? BUT IT GETS WORSE. THEY’RE PROPOSING MILLIONS OF
DOLLARS IN CUTS TO PROGRAMS FOR STUDENTS WHO ARE BLIND AND
ELIMINATING ALL FEDERAL FUNDING FOR THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.>>Audience: NO!>>Stephen: NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IT
WOULD BE EASY TO SAY THAT THAT’S EVIL. BUT IT WOULD ALSO BE ACCURATE. THEN, THEN–
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT HAVE WE GOT? HEALTH CARE, DISASTER RELIEF,
CHILDREN. THEN, THERE’S GLOBAL WARMING. TRUMP OPPOSES THE DEMOCRATS’
GREEN NEW DEAL, WHICH PROPOSES CUTTING GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS
TO NET ZERO BY 2050. THAT’S AMBITIOUS. NOW, THE PLAN SAYS NOTHING ABOUT
GETTING RID OF CARS OR AIRPLANES OR CATTLE. OR AS DONALD TRUMP PUT IT:
>>I REALLY DON’T LIKE THEIR POLICY OF TAKING AWAY YOUR CAR,
OF TAKING AWAY YOUR AIRPLANE FLIGHT. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO OWN CARS
ANYMORE.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“NO AIRPLANE FLIGHTS, NO COWS, NOT TO MENTION FLYING COWS. HOW ARE THEY GOING TO JUMP OVER
THE MOON NOW? THAT’S WHY I’M CALLING FOR SPACE
COW FORCE. ALL RIGHT? IT’S TIME TO RETURN TO THE
MOOOOON!