[APPLAUSE] Welcome back to the show. While GOP leaders
were desperately trying to take health
care away from adults, they forgot to not
take it away from kids. Funding for the Children’s
Health Insurance Program, known as CHIP expired
today after Congress failed to come up with
the necessary $15 billion. I swear to god we do
good things sometimes, I just can’t remember
what they are right now. [LAUGHTER] We just let children’s
insurance expire as carelessly as my
staff let their leftovers in the office fridge expire. Eric. No other developed nation
would tolerate this kind of health care roulette. I mean would they? Amy, I don’t know,
you’re British. Can I possibly persuade you to
talk about your national health service?
AMY: My pleasure. [APPLAUSE] After World War
II, the UK instituted universal health coverage. Since then, all medical
services have been provided for free by chipper midwives
on bicycles who deliver preventative care, babies,
and sometimes thalidomide, But they were really
sorry about that. [LAUGHTER] Canada has universal
coverage too. [APPLAUSE] I had all my babies for free. And now I smuggle cheap
Canadian prescription drugs down to New York. [LAUGHTER] In my butt. [LAUGHTER] Thank you guys. Great research. The point is, health care
in other developed nations is like a duvet. Comforting and user friendly,
yet somehow off-puttingly socialist. Well, American health care
is more like a vibrant quilt, hand-stitched by a drunk
pioneer woman with one eye and a cabin full of possums. [SQUEAKING] Sorry kids, Lu Lu
Belle got your CHIP. Now how did we get here? Like all of tonight’s stories,
it begins 100 years ago. Prior to World War I,
medicine was basically shit. So politicians didn’t have
to make lofty promises. If you like your medically
unlicensed barber who applies leeches to your
genitals, you can keep your medically
unlicensed barber who applies leeches to your genitals. [CLAPPING] I buy my pussy
leeches on Goop. [LAUGHTER] [CLAPPING] By the 1930s, medicine
was worth spending money on and nobody had any. FDR wanted a state-run
health care system, but the American
Medical Association called the idea Soviet, which
at the time was an insult. Unable to stand up to
them because, you know, FDR abandoned his
plan like it was a boat full of Jewish refugees. So why is American
health insurance all tied up with employment? Because during World
War II, factory owners were so desperate
to attract workers, they started offering health
insurance as an enticement. Kind of like when a
guy puts a picture of a cute dog on his Tinder
profile, which totally works. Keep doing it. So while our bravest
were fighting Hitler, our almost as brave faced the
first mandatory company-wide open enrollment seminars. [MUSIC PLAYING] My dear Helena, this
seminar seems to never end. [LAUGHTER] And now, hours in I am
weak, tired, and no closer to understanding the difference
between the elite plan and the elite plus plan. [LAUGHTER] Confusion and anger are
setting in among my colleagues and there seems to
be no end in sight. To the insurance
company fellows, irksome, inexplicable
cheerfulness. I console myself
that I will soon be seeing you, as I now
have a brochure about the new optical plans in hand. But employer health insurance
left out a lot of people, like the no longer employed. So President Truman
had an amazing idea. [APPLAUSE] And it might have
passed if only Truman hadn’t made one rookie mistake. Truman advocated
national health insurance not only for white Americans,
but for black Americans also. I knew it. This is why America can’t have
nice things, because racists. “Hey Bobby, you want free
shots for your diabetes?” “Does mean Negroes can
go to the hospital?” “Yes, it does.” “Then no, thank you. I’d rather lose my foot. State’s rights.” Dumbass Dixiecrat motherfuckers. [APPLAUSE] When JFK suggested we
might want to copy European healthcare, Ronald
Reagan recorded an anti-Medicaid LP
that had all the kids bopping at the malt shop. MAN: One of the
traditional methods of imposing statism or
socialism on a people has been by way of medicine. Don’t be a square, daddy-o. Reject communist infiltration. Wow. Dancing really does
lead to fucking. [LAUGHTER] It took a big swinging
Johnson to wangle Medicaid and Medicare through Congress. Fun fact, the first Medicare
recipient was Harry Truman. They told me,
President Truman, that if you wish to get the
voluntary medical insurance, that you will have to sign
this application form. [LAUGHTER] And just days
later, Truman received America’s very first junk
mail for a free jazzy scooter. In the ’70s, universal health
care found a new champion. Yes, Richard Nixon. I shit you not. [LAUGHTER] In 1971, Dick inspired
us with these words. [LAUGHTER] Sorry, not those words. These words. I will offer a program to
ensure that no American family will be prevented from
obtaining basic medical care by inability to pay. [APPLAUSE] Nixoncare was
basically Obamacare with a sheen of sweat. And you won’t believe
who cockblocked it. Senator Edward Kennedy earlier
proposed an alternate plan. The Kennedy bill is straight,
national health insurance. Oh for fuck’s sake,
just compromise, Ted. I promise you in 30 years this
guy will seem like a hippie. Sock it to me? [LAUGHTER] The next president to
bungle universal healthcare was the guy who clearly
lied about inhaling. To lead his task
force, Clinton chose one of the most intelligent
and capable people in the White House. Sadly, she was a woman. So that intelligence and
capability made people irrationally despise her. By the way, at the same
time Hillary was trying to keep Americans healthy,
the dude who would eventually win the White House instead
of her was around the corner going to town on
Native Americans. They don’t look
like Indians to me. And they don’t look
like the Indians. Now maybe we say politically
correct or not politically correct, they don’t
look like Indians to me, and they don’t look
like Indians to Indians. Oh. So it’s not dementia. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] We elected that. I’m not sure we
deserve healthcare. [LAUGHTER] We don’t. Hillarycare failed. But at least the Clintons
added another patch to the quilt, the Children’s
Health Insurance Program. [APPLAUSE] The one Congress
just let expire? Jesus, what is wrong
with you people? How do you live with the
constant fear of illness hanging over you? Shh. Allana, it’s OK.
[GROANS] Oh, you dropped an
inhaler out of your butt. [LAUGHTER] America may never achieve
single-payer healthcare. But thanks to brave
anti-communists, we continue to lead the world
in multi-payer healthcare. American exceptionalism. We’ll be right back. [MUSIC PLAYING]