>>HI. I’M JESSUP JEREMY! AND I’M JAN JEREMY, AND WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING.>>”OH, NO! NOT THESE TWO AGAIN!”>>BUT WE JUST LOVE HELPING OTHERS LOOK AND FEEL GREAT, AND OUR NEW PROGRAM WILL DO JUST THAT.>>ON A RECENT VACATION TO NORWAY, JAN AND I STUMBLED UPON AN ANCIENT SCROLL WHICH WE BELIEVE THE LOCALS USED TO GET THEIR BEACH BODS READY FOR SUMMER. STAY TUNED AS JAN AND I SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE DARK ARTS WITH “GOTH FITNESS.” FLAWLESS PHYSIQUE. PURE POWER. “GOTH FITNESS” IS PROVEN TO BURN FAT AND BUILD EXTREME DARK MAGIC ABILITIES. WHEN THE TIME COMES, WILL YOU BE READY? FITNESS PROGRAMS CAN BE DAUNTING…>>MM-HMM.>>…BUT LUCKILY FOR YOU, THOSE ANCIENT NORWEGIANS BROKE “GOTH FITNESS” INTO THREE EASY STEPS.>>ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? DIET, EXERCISE, SACRIFICE. THAT’S IT!>>[ LAUGHS ] JAN, YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO EASY!>>THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. WE’VE TRIED ATKINS, PALEO, SOUTH BEACH, NORTH BEACH, JUICE CLEANSE, TEA CLEANSE, CHEESE CLEANSE. I’VE EVEN DONE A 30-DAY TRAVEL CLEANSE, WHERE I ONLY ATE AIRPLANE PEANUTS AND PAPER CLIPS, AND WHILE ALL OF THESE THINGS WORK, NOTHING WORKS QUITE LIKE GOTH.>>LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT ONE OF OUR POWER LUNCHES. NOW, I KNOW YOU LIKE LETTUCE WRAPS.>>GUILTY! I CAN’T GO A DAY WITHOUT THEM. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO! [ BOTH LAUGH ]>>GREAT. LUCKY FOR YOU, JAN, THERE’S ONE ALREADY PREPARED. WE’VE GOT ORGANIC FETA, WOLF PLACENTA, TANNIS ROOT.>>THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS! [ CRUNCHING ] MMM! YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE FETA! [ CHUCKLES ]>>YOU KNOW, GETTING OLDER, I FELT THE REPERCUSSIONS OF MY POOR EATING HABITS. I FELT I WOULDN’T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE MY GRANDKIDS GROW UP. BUT “GOTH FITNESS” CHANGED EVERYTHING! SURE, I’VE BEEN SHUNNED BY THE MAJORITY OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, BUT THOSE PEOPLE WERE POSERS ANYWAY. I FOUND A NEW GROUP OF FRIENDS WITH OPEN MINDS.>>JESSUP, WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO GET FLAT, WASHBOARD ABS, CHISELED ARMS AND SHOULDERS, TIGHTER THIGHS AND BUNS?>>JAN, YOU KNOW I’D DO ANYTHING!>>WELL, YOU CAN PROVE IT WITH OUR CUSTOM WORKOUT VIDEO SERIES ON DualDisc. IT’S SIX EXERCISES, SIX DAYS A WEEK, SIX MINUTES EACH. THAT’S IT!>>JAN, WHY DON’T YOU LEAD US THROUGH ONE OF THESE WARM-UP MANTRAS?>>I’D LOVE TO, JESSUP. OKAY. HERE WE GO!>>OKAY. HEY, DO YOU SEE HOW DRAVEN’S NOSE IS STARTING TO BLEED? THAT’S HOW WE KNOW IT’S WORKING!>>ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT PASSAGE?>>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [ THUNDER CRASHES ]>>[ Demonic voice ] THE HOUR IS NIGH! THE WAR DRUMS ARE BEATING! YOU WILL BE FOOD FOR MASTER’S ARMY! [ Normal voice ] OHH.>>[ ROARS ]>>[ SCREAMING ] [ BOTH LAUGH ]>>WHEN WE STARTED THIS PROGRAM, WE MENTIONED THAT THE KEY TO A NEW YOU WOULD TAKE DIET, EXERCISE, AND ONE MORE THING.>>Both: SACRIFICE!>>HA HA! THIS IS DRAVEN’S OLDER BROTHER, THAD. DRAVEN WAS KIND ENOUGH TO VOLUNTEER THAD FOR THIS PART OF OUR PRESENTATION…>>THE RITUAL SACRIFICE.>>NOW, FIRST, YOU’LL NEED TO BREW THE SACRIFICIAL SOUP.>>REMEMBER, TOO MUCH HEMLOCK HEX OR TOO LITTLE BLACK POODLE DOG HAIR CAN REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE, SO WATCH YOUR PORTIONS.>>[ WHIMPERING ] [ POP! ] YOU — YOU AND YOUR LOSER FREAK FRIENDS DID THIS TO ME, YOU LITTLE SHRIMP. NICE MAKEUP, BY THE WAY. WHAT IS THIS — GIRL FITNESS? YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE A FAILED HAUNTED HOUSE. THIS IS — NO, NO. WHAT IS THAT? NO! NO, NO!>>COME ON.>>[ GURGLING ]>>AND IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE.>>OKAY. IT APPEARS AS THOUGH OUR SACRIFICE’S BODY IS READY. DRAVEN?>>[ BREATHING HEAVILY ] DRAVEN, I’M SO SORRY FOR MAKING FUN OF YOU, MAN. I THINK MAKEUP IS REALLY COOL ON GUYS. YOU LOOK COOL! YOU’RE MY LITTLE BROTHER. MOM AND DAD SAID WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER, OKAY?>>[ CHUCKLES ] WHILE THEY FINISH UP IN THERE, I’VE GOT ONE LAST SURPRISE FOR YOU. IF YOU ORDER RIGHT NOW –>>[ Demonic voice ] YE-E-E-E-S! I HAVE RETURNED!>>HEY, JESSUP, COULD YOU COME HERE FOR A QUICK SEC?>>JAN? JAN! WHAT’S GOING ON?!>>SO, I THINK WHAT HAPPENED WAS, UM –>>THIS IS MY ARMY? YOU’RE NOT EVEN WEARING ANY ARMOR! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HIDEOUS TUNIC? IT’S JUST — IT’S A T-SHIRT FROM HOT TOPIC.>>WHICH ONE OF YOU READ THE GODDAMN SCROLLS?>>THAT WAS US. JAN AND I READ THE SCROLLS.>>WE JUST — AAH! IT WAS ME. IT WAS ME.>>NO, NO. JAN –>>WELL, YOU’RE NOT THE NORWEGIAN BERSERKERS I’D HOPED FOR… BUT YOU DO LOOK PRETTY GREAT.>>OOH.>>THOSE ARE SOME BITCHIN’ BEACH BODIES.>>OH. WELL… WHOO! WE DID IT, AND YOU CAN, TOO! ORDER “GOTH FITNESS” NOW, AND WE’LL SEE YOU AT THE BEACH!>>Announcer: [ Demonic voice ] ARE YOU READY TO LET BEELZEBUB GET YOU BEELZEBUFF? ENOUGH EXCUSES! GET OFF THE COUCH, PICK UP THE PHONE, AND GET “GOTH FITNESS” TODAY!>>WHOO! [ SEA GULLS CRYING ]>>ALL RIGHT! HEY!>>AAH. AAH.